Suggestions To Assist You
Though The Grieving Process

The following are many ideas to help people who are mourning the death of a loved one. Different kinds of losses dictate different responses, so not all of these ideas will suit everyone. Likewise, no two people grieve alike-what works for one may not work for another. Treat this list for what it is: a gathering of assorted suggestions that various people have tried with success. Perhaps what helped them through their grief will help you. The emphasis here is on specific practical ideas.

Talk Regularly To A Friend
Talking with another about what you think and feel is one of the best things you can do for yourself. It helps relieve some of the pressure you may feel. It can give you a sense of perspective and keeps you in touch with others. Look for someone who is a good listener and a caring person. Then speak what's on your mind and in your heart. If this feels one-sided let that be okay for this period in your life. Chances are the other person will find meaning in what they're doing. The time will come when you will have the chance to be a good listener for someone else. You'll be a better listener then if you are a good talker now.

Walk
Go for walks everyday if you can. Don't overdo it, but walk briskly enough that it feels invigorating. Sometimes try walking slowly enough that you can look carefully at whatever you want to see. Observe what nature has to offer you, what it can teach you. Enjoy the sights and sounds as much as you are able to.

Carry Or Wear A Linking Object
Carry something in your pocket or purse that reminds you of the one who died - a keepsake they gave you or perhaps a small object they once carried or used, or a memento you select just for this purpose. You might wear a piece of their jewelry in the same way. Whatever you want, reach for or gaze upon this object and remember what it signifies.

Create A Memory Book
Compile photographs that document your loved one's life. Arrange them into some sort of order so they tell a story. Add other elements if you want: diplomas, newspaper clippings, award, accomplishments, and reminders of significant events. Put all this in a special binder and keep it out for people to look at if they wish. Go through it on your own if you desire. Reminisce as you do so.

Recall your dreams
Your dreams often have important things to say about your feelings and about your relationship to the one who died. Your dreams may be scary or sad, especially early on. They may seem weird or crazy to you. You may find that your loved one appears in your dreams. Accept your dreams for what they are and see what you can learn from them. No one knows that better than you.

Tell people what helps and what doesn't
People around you may not understand what you need. So tell them. If hearing your loved one's name spoken aloud by others feels good, say so. If you need more time alone, or assistance with chores you are unable to complete, or an occasional hug, be honest. People can't read your mind, so you'll have to speak it.

Write things down
Most people who are grieving become more forgetful than usual. So help yourself remember what you want by keeping track of it on paper (or whatever system works best for you). This may include writing down things that you want to preserve about the person who has died.

Ask for a copy of the memorial service.
If the funeral liturgy or memorial service held special meaning for you because of what was spoken or read, ask for the words. Whoever participated in the ritual will feel gratified that what they prepared was appreciated. Turn to these words whenever you want. Some people find these thoughts provide even more help weeks and months after the service.

Remember the Serenity Prayer
"God, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Great truth is contained here. Call these words to mind when you need their direction.

Plant something living as a memorial
Plant a flower, bush, or tree in memory of the one who died. Or plant several things. Do this ceremonially if you wish, perhaps with others present. If you do this planting where you live, you can watch it grow and change day by day, season by season. You can even make it part of special times of remembrance in the future.

Spend time in your loved one's space
If that is what you want to do, you may sit in another's favorite chair, lie in their bed or just stand for a while in their room among their possessions. Do this if it brings you comfort. But don't do it if it feels too awkward. You will know quickly enough what feels right for you.

Journal
Write out your thoughts and feelings. Do this whenever you feel the urge, but do it at least several times a week., if not several times a day. Don't censor what you write - be as honest as you can. In time, go back through your writings and notice how you're changing and growing. Write about that too.


Rest
Grieving is hard work. So do what's best for you, get your rest. Take naps if you wish. Lie down from time to time. Relax in a comfortable chair. Pace yourself so you have interludes in which you can replenish yourself. Give yourself plenty of permission to take things easy.

Purchase something soft to sleep with
A teddy bear is a favorite choice for some. There are other options. Select something that feels warm and cuddly. Then, whatever your age., cuddle it.

Write to the person who died
Write letters or other messages to your loved one; thoughts you wish you could express if they were present Who knows that they are not present in some way? Preserve what you write in your journal if you wish, or on stationery or on your computer. If you wish, discard what you have written after a while. You will find this urge to write to the other will eventually diminish. In the meantime, it can be a release for you as well as a real connection.

Get physical
Exercise, flex your muscles and stretch your body. Expand your lungs. It will help you feel better. It really will.

Get a "physical"
It is wise to get a physical examination within a few months after the death. It is also an assuring thing to do. Chances are good that you will experience various physical reactions when you are grieving. It is helpful to make sure your body is acting normally (whatever "normal" may be for you). Your physician or nurse practitioner can be an important ally at this time of your life.

Consider a support group
Spending time with a small group of people who have undergone a similar life experience can be very therapeutic. You can discover how natural your feelings are. You can learn from the experiences and ideas of others. You can find backing as you make necessary changes in your life. Support groups are not for everyone, of course, but many people have come to swear by them. You won't know unless you try. We have listed many choices for you below.

Light a candle at mealtime
Especially if you eat alone but even if you don't, consider lighting a candle at the table in memory of your loved one. Pause to remember them as you light it. You might light a candle at other times as well - as you sit alone in the evening for instance.

Create a memory area in your home
In a space that feels appropriate, arrange a small table that honors the person: a framed photograph or two, perhaps a prized possession or award, something they created or something they loved. This might be placed on a small table, mantel or desk. Some people like to use a grouping of candles, representing not just the person who died, but others who have died as well. In that case, a variety of candles can be arranged, each representing a unique life.

Use your hands
Sometimes there is value in doing repetitive things with your hands, something you don't have to think about very much becomes second nature. Knitting and crocheting are like that. So are carving, woodworking, polishing, solving jigsaw puzzles, painting, braiding, shoveling, washing, and countless other activities.

Drink water
Grieving people can easily become dehydrated. Crying can naturally lead to that. With your normal routines turned upside down, you may simply not drink as much or as regularly as you did before the death. Make this one way to take care of yourself.

Begin your day with your loved one
If your grief is new, you'll probably wake up thinking of that person anyway. So why not decide that you'll include him/her from the start? Focus this time in a positive way. Bring to your mind fulfilling memories. Recall lessons this person taught you, gifts he or she gave you. Think about how you can spend your day in ways that would be in keeping with your loved one's best self, and with your best self. Then carry that best self with you all through your day.

Invite someone to be your telephone buddy
If your grief and sadness hit you especially hard at times and you have no one nearby to turn to, ask someone you trust to be your telephone buddy. Ask their permission for you to call them whenever you feel you're at lose ends, day or night. Then put their number beside your phone and call them if you need them. Don't abuse this privilege, of course. Know that someday you will be able to make yourself available to another person in the same way you are being helped. This will help you accept the care you are receiving from your telephone buddy.

Structure alone time
You may have your full share of alone time. If you are often among family, friends, and colleagues, make sure that you also have time by yourself. A large part of the grieving process involves what goes on inside yourself - your thoughts, feelings, memories, hopes and dreams. So allow yourself the opportunity to go inside as you go through the grief process. It is a period of growth.

Listen to music
Choose music you believe will help you in a given moment.

Do something your loved one would enjoy
Remember the one who died in your own unique way. One widowed woman has a special sauerkraut meal once a year. She doesn't like this tangy dish herself, but it was her husband's favorite, and she finds solace in remembering him in that way. There are probably a hundred different things you could do that once brought meaning or satisfaction to the one you loved. The meaning and satisfaction don't have to end with the death of that person.

If you like animals, get a pet
The attention and affection a pet provides may help you to adapt to the loss of attention and affection you're experiencing after your loved one has died. Pets can also be fun to play with and talk to. Be realistic about the type of pet that is best for you, considering the animal's size, exercise requirements and routine expenses such as food and vet bills.


Screen your entertainment
Some TV shows and movies are best not viewed when you're deep in grief. The same goes for certain books or articles. If you have any questions, do a bit of research before you find yourself in the midst of an experience, which brings up too many feelings for you to handle comfortably. For example, if your loved one recently died of cancer, you can do without re-living that experience on a movie screen, or video.

Engage your soul
You'll want to do this your own way. Some people meditate, some pray, and some spend time alone in nature. Some worship with a congregation and others do it on their own. Many grieving people begin to sense that all of us living and dead, are connected in a spiritual way that defies easy understanding. Include your soul as you grow through your grief.

Change some things
As soon as it seems right, alter some things in your home to make clear this significant change has occurred. Rearrange a room or replace a piece of furniture or give away certain items that will never again be used in your home. This does not mean to remove all signs of the one who died. It does mean not treating your home or your loved one's room as a shrine which cannot be altered in any way.

Allow yourself to laugh
Sometimes something funny will happen to you, just like it used to. Sometimes you'll recall something hilarious that happened in the past. When that happens, go ahead and laugh if it feels funny to you. You won't be desecrating your loved one's memory. You'll be consecrating their love of life, and your own, too.

Allow yourself to cry
Crying goes naturally with grief. Tears well up and fall even when you least expect them. Subdued sniffles can become racking sobs on a moment's notice. It may feel awkward to you, but this is not unusual for a person in your situation. A good rule of thumb is this: if you feel like crying, then cry. If not, then don't. Some grieving people seldom cry - it's just their way.

Talk to the other one
If it helps, you might talk with the one who died as you drive alone in your car, as you stand beside the grave, or as you build up your courage to make an important decision. This talking might be out loud, or under your breath. Either way, it's the same: you're simply wishing the other was with you so you could talk things over, and for the moment you're doing the best you can to continue the conversation. This inclination to converse will eventually decline, when the time is right.

Create or commission a memory quilt
Sew or invite others to sew with you. Or hire someone to sew for you. However you get it completed, put together a wall hanging or a bedroom quilt that remembers the important life events of the one who has died. Take your time doing this. Make it what it is: a labor or Love!
Read how others have responded to a loved one's death.
You may feel that your own grief is all you can handle. But if you'd like to look at the ways others have done it, try C..S. Lewis's " AGrief Observed"' Lynne CAine's "Widow", John Bramblett's "When Good-Bye is Forever", or Nicholas Wolterstorff's " Lament for a Son". There are many others. Check with a counselor or librarian.

Take a day off
When the mood is just right, take a one-day vacation. Do whatever you want, or don't do whatever you want. Travel somewhere or stay inside by yourself. Be very active or don't do anything at all. Just make it your day, whatever that means to you.

Invite someone to give you feedback
Select someone you trust, preferably someone familiar with the workings of grief, to give you their reaction when you ask for it. If you want to check out how you're thinking, how accurately you're remembering, how effectively you're coping, go to that person. Pose your questions, and then listen to their responses. What you choose to do with that information will be up to you.

Monitor signs of dependency
While it's normal to become more dependent upon others for a while immediately after a death, it will not be helpful to continue in that role long-term. Watch for signs that you're prolonging your need for assistance.

Congratulate yourself when you do things for yourself
Give yourself rewards. Be kind to yourself in your grief. Do those things for yourself that you really enjoy, perhaps at the end of a long day, or in the midst of a lonely time. Treat yourself to a favorite meal or delicacy. Get a massage. Buy some flowers. Do something frivolous that makes you feel good. Then soak up those moments as fully as you can. Do something to help someone else. Step out of your own problems from time to time and devote your attention to someone else. Offer a gift or your service. Do this for yourself as a much as for the other.

Plan ahead for special days
Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and other special events can be difficult times, especially for the first year or two. Give thought beforehand to how you will handle those days. Do things a little differently than you use to, as a way of acknowledging this change in your life. But also be sure to invoke that person's presence and memory somehow during the day. If you don't include that person in some way, you'll spend too much of your energy acting as if nothing has been changed with that day, knowing full well that much has changed.

Feel good about your worth
Write down your lessons. Your grief experience will have much to teach you. From time to time reflect upon what it is you're learning. State it as plainly as you are able. Carry those lessons with you as you go about your days.

Connect on the Interment
If you're computer savvy, search the Internet. You'll find many resources for people in grief, as well as the opportunity to "chat" with fellow grievers. You can link up with others without leaving your home. You'll also find much more to expand your horizons as a person who is beginning to grow.

Donate in your loved one's name
Honor your loved ones memory and spirit by giving a gift or gifts to a cause your loved one would appreciate. Expand the person's influence even farther.